A somewhat ambigous piece...the beauty of it is somewhat lost in the fragmented phrases and concepts, leading to unformed visual imagery in the mind of the reader, who is unable to completely comprehend the underlying message of the poem.

I think in this case, your other new deviation was much better.

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Wash away our sins

*VampireWriters *PlagueConcilium

I agree with PureMind about it being ambiguous, but I don’t think it’s not good – I think it is not perfected yet. It is a good layout of a poem, but it feels uncompleted. There’s something still missing here to make it feel radiating enough, I’m not sure what. But it got character, which means it has a solid direction and feel. I don’t think the flow is the problem either, because it is flowing. Maybe something to do with the imagery, or the tone. Maybe the tone isn’t as strong as it should be, or the imagery isn’t as vivid as expected. I would try to visualize the entire poem, try to close my eyes and see the events happening, and then try to look if each line gives the exact feel as it should when I visualize it. Maybe that’s the issue here. It’s not an easy thing to do though, because it takes a lot of concentration… I know that sometimes it takes me above an hour just to get the right feel , without even trying to work on a specific line. But maybe that would do the trick.

BTW, I really loved and enjoyed the line breakings – you did a fantastic job at that.

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Some days I write those words, others they write me.

i did feel a disjointed narration between the first and second stanza when I was writing it but i posted it anyway to see whether i could get some suggestions to improve it. thankyou for pointing out some very specific points in the poem for me to work on.

i have added some more imagery and changed things around in the first stanza. does it work better now? i'll be glad to make more changes if it helps the poem along.

and thank you for praising the line breaks- those are always my bane

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Prying open my third eye

*VampireWriters *PoetryPlease *Writers-Workshop *ScribeSanctuary

you're right i've made some changes to help the poem along. does it read better now?

and the other one was easier to write than this one

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Prying open my third eye

*VampireWriters *PoetryPlease *Writers-Workshop *ScribeSanctuary

me thinks your quotations from your medical text books is part of the problem =_=

A second confusion is created by the third person who narrates the poem...there seem to be three intermittent characters or entities the poem is focusing on, with the narrator jumping in and out of the poem and blurring over the interaction between the two primary entities, the haunted and that which is haunting.

But yes, it is reading better now

Shocking, Discuss

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Wash away our sins

*VampireWriters *PlagueConcilium

i fixed another line in the third stanza to make it connect up to the first stanza.

you know, you've given me an interesting perspective on the narration. I hadn't realized there were three voices in there.

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Prying open my third eye

*VampireWriters *PoetryPlease *Writers-Workshop *ScribeSanctuary

This has a very ominous tone to it, which I like a lot. I also like how you repeat "God' in the poem.

"dreaming of it’s connection"--the "it's" should be "its".

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Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.

thanks very much for pointing that out! Changing that now.

Do you think there's any points in the narration i need to work on? Or re-structure in the poem itself? I've been working on it for a few days now

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Prying open my third eye

*VampireWriters *PoetryPlease *Writers-Workshop *ScribeSanctuary

I think a few of your enjambments could be better placed, for example:

"You’d rather catalog every
roar, every sigh outlining a God-shaped"

It might be best to line break after "roar" instead, that way the first line makes sense on its own:

"You'd rather catalog every roar,
every sigh outlining a God-shaped"

I suggest working through the poem again and rethinking your line breaks.

As far as the actual content, this is really the only part that could use tightening:

"any kind of release from your wild
verbally verbose ventricle heart-walls"

First, I'd like to say don't be afraid of shorter lines; they can really add intensity to a phrase. I think "any kind of release" would be stronger by itself on a line.

I think "verbally" overdoes it a bit. It might be best to turn "wild " into an adverb and omit "verbally". You'll still get a bit of the alliteration going on without going overboard.

Also, "heart" is a bit redundant because "ventricle" already says enough. The reader won't be confused without it. Don't over-clarify.

Let's see how everything sounds with these suggestions:

"any kind of release
from your wildly verbose ventricle-walls"

This sounds much better to me. I understand that you may have wanted a wordy line to add to the effect of your message ("verbally verbose"). In that case, perhaps try "overdoing" it even more to get the point across because that part reads more like a poor editing job than a clever line. Try using more concrete words to add to the verbosity, words the reader can imagine. The reader cannot imagine "wild" or "verbally", as opposed to ventricle walls. Concrete nouns and verbs that represent "wild" or "verbally" would engage the reader into the poem more because it will stimulate their senses. Just a thought.


For the most part, that's really it. Try to use the ideas of my critique to round out the other few edges of the poem.

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Clearfield Review: Prose, Poetry, Art.