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Deviousness `anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Sta.sh
This piece has been added to the collection I, Me, Myself as it was a submission for the titled workshop.
Thank you
*Writers-Workshop
This piece has been added to the collection I, Me, Myself as it was a submission for the titled workshop.
Thank you
*Writers-Workshop
I wonder why you picked visual poetry for this task. I am not very well-versed with the form, so I will focus on the text itself.
You begin very well. Sunlight crawling across dust-grimed windows is a great image. Interesting verb usage and the overall sensation is very clear.
After this, however, the poem becomes sort of cliche. Aren't the images rather familiar? Ending with repetitive questions makes this feel more like a song, I feel. Perhaps you could rewrite this with a refrain.
The images and thoughts are very fragmented here. The grammar of it is distracting as you move from imperatives to phrases, to just words on a line. Each line of a poem must make at least partial sense. You might find this: [link] useful.
sunlight crawling across dust-grimed windows
eyes staring and scaring surfaces
nothing left to dust
light flooding in
broken windows
Those are images, some of them overused, others less so, but they should be the thrust of your poem. Heh, that's my opinion anyway. I suggest rewriting these images with more interesting words.
I hope you find this useful.
Cheers,
Aditi