Whoa! This is really really good! Damn my lack of vocabluary and literary terminology Very moving...

--

Some will leave here shattered
Wish us tarred and feathered

thankz man...

--
"Ninja Stars: The perfect weapon for home defense should you be attacked by a blind quadriplegic"

Your comments will help...

Dont Worry...Sith Happens

To sear away the memory of her pain
To let her blood be cleansed in the rain

this part is really lovely dear.
And well I would recommend, a little lesss cradle of filth

I like your narrating style.

--
_{fahimakhter.wordpress.com Behanced FaceBook}

ooooooh that hurt that one did.. i despise 'cradle of filth' ... but thanks for the opinion...

--
"Ninja Stars: The perfect weapon for home defense should you be attacked by a blind quadriplegic"

Your comments will help...

Dont Worry...Sith Happens

Fire danced through the streets of Bethlehem
Fire flashed in the burning rain
They raised their holy horror in Her name
It was the death of everything pure and sane…

I like this stanza best of all, it has perfect rhythm with syllables and the subject matter is catchy... especially the portrait you painted with "Fire danced through the streets of Bethlehem".


How the danced that night in Bethlehem!

Oh but it was a chance to begin again
To sear away the memory of her pain
To let her blood be cleansed in the rain
To be baptized anew in sweet Bethlehem…

First line..."how the danced" maybe I am missing something? (probably) or maybe its a typo for they. Oh well. You could give it more colour by describing the dance... or their mood... before moving on to the next subject...
Stanza # 2 : Like said, the subject took a turn here... I was kinda captivated by the first one being my favourite of all and the subject and setting now painted... which is now replaced by desires to escape from an unfortunate past. Its good, but now the reader has to picturize that painful past, which does'nt happen. It still sounds beautiful, especially how you painted forgetting the past as washing blood in the rain. Good work there.


How She wept at the Gates in vain!

But you would know you were there and then
You were gone, like a whisper in the wind
How I missed you and wept my friend
When they danced that night in Bethlehem…

First line : With such a pretty expression like that, you should have added more to it instead of leaving it alone... especially when it sounded so emotive.

Stanza # 3 : Good point here, I can atleast have a faint idea now that the past had something to do with a lost friend, who's absence bites in a moment of joy (depicted by the dance) and again great picture painted along with nice rhythming in the syllables.

Eeek! Such a long post. O_O
Gumen nassai!
*gets shot

*notices typo* oh DAMN! i never noticed it there.. thanks for letting me know.. i agree with you on a lot of points.. do you think i should maybe make it longer by adding more pieces to it?

--
"Ninja Stars: The perfect weapon for home defense should you be attacked by a blind quadriplegic"

Your comments will help...

Dont Worry...Sith Happens

Its only an opinion but yeah, if you think you can do the purdy ones justice.

k.. thanks..!

--
"Ninja Stars: The perfect weapon for home defense should you be attacked by a blind quadriplegic"

Your comments will help...

Dont Worry...Sith Happens

gawd damn ur style is brilliant. i wish i could write stuff so well. but then again, i do my stuff differently. but u're got deeper thought in ur work.

hmm.. do check out my poetry if u get time.

--
in chaos there is order, in madness there is reason.